On the Hot Seat: The Pirate Guys

Back in 1994, while working on a show at Albany Civic Theatre, I met a couple of part-time pirates who would frequently slip into a swaggering piratey vernacular (basically saying “Arrr” a lot and calling each other “bilge rats.”) Years later, while flipping through Maxim magazine, whom should I see but those two scallywags staring back at me. Turns out, they’re still talking like pirates; only now, they have everyone else doing it too.

In fact, they’ve managed to turn it into an international holiday (talklikeapirate.com). They have official titles now too—Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy (on the right), otherwise known as John Baur and Mark Summers, respectively. In 2002, they released their first book, Pirattitude, and last year Ol’ Chumbucket and his wife Mad Sally, a.k.a. Tori Baur, appeared on the ABC show Wife Swap. The resounding success of Pirattitude was followed by two more books, A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas and The Pirates Life, the latter of which was released in 2008. With the advent of the Portland Pirate Festival—an event that brought a Guinness World Record-breaking number of would-be pirates to St. Johns Cathedral Park in 2009—it doesn’t look like their swashbuckling days will end anytime soon.

I spoke with them via email just before Ol' Chumbucket was about to pull up anchor and move his family to the Caribbean (seriously!).

HM: By golly heck, there sure are a lot of pirates these days. What’s the deal?
Cap’n: Playing pirate in these modern times allows a person to put his or her foot up on a rum barrel and show some bravado while keeping the other foot firmly planted in the pig poo of self-deprecation. It’s nerd-cool. It’s kind of like saying, “Yes, I am a dangerous person, but my sword is plastic!”
HM: I remember when this “talk like a pirate” thing was just a bunch of guys saying “Arr” all day. How’d it get so big?
Cap’n: We have to credit our close personal friend, Pulitzer Prize winner Dave Barry, for being the big gust of wind that took us to far-flung seas! His original article led to our starting talklikeapirate.com and the shenanigans that went with it! Now we have a book, Pirattitute, that is selling well all over and we hope to have anywhere from one to four new books out by next International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
HM: Do you ever get tired of being a pirate?
Chum: That’s like asking if I get tired of breathing.
HM: Pirates are supposed to have a nasty streak, but you seem like awfully nice guys. Are you sure you’re not secretly just sweet-natured sailors?
Cap’n: I can’t speak for Ol’ Chumbucket, but those who know me well know that I’m a nasty, ruthless horrible man who frightens children and small animals with nothing more than my startling man odor and expressive eyebrow movements.
HM: What exactly is “pirattitude”?
Cap’n: Pirattitude is simply the attitude of a pirate. Anyone can have it—even those prone to sea-sickness on their porch during a slight breeze. It’s a glint in the eye, a swagger in the step and a willingness to redefine all of your scars as “battle wounds.”
HM: Who’s got more pirattitude? Obama or Hillary?
Chum: Hillary. Doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll vote for her, but she definitely has more pirattitude.
HM: Spiderman or Batman?
Chum: Spidey.
Cap’n: Batman—it’s the black!
Chum: Are you insane? Batman has more pirattitude than Spidey??!? No freakin’ way, man! Batman’s all brooding and has this boring inner monologue going, moping about his dead parents. He’s got a damn valet who knows all his deepest inner feelings!! Pirates don’t have deep inner feelings. They have victims! A pirate wouldn’t brood—he’d act out! That’s Spidey all up and down. All sass and web slinging. If he were back in the 18th century, Batman would be a lord or earl or some damn thing, and if he went to sea he’d be an admiral sure as hell. Spidey’s got the whole “friggin’ in the riggin’” thing down. He’d be the pirate, that’s for sure. As for it being “the black,” that just proves my point. Who wears somber, muted clothes when he can sport a loud, colorful, boisterous wardrobe? Stuffy nobelmen. Pirates go for the color. Black clothes? Please, that’s for clergymen, not pirates. Sorry man, but I just can’t agree with you on this one.
HM: Geez, now I want a pirate name. Will you give me one?
Cap’n: I think “Constance Slashington the Terror o’ Tortuga!” suits you!
Chum: Mad McCollum. Yes, I know your last name has no U in it, and has two Os. What part of pirate didn’t you understand?

Things I Have Learned While Writing a Book

1. Having “all day” to work on writing means you have about 2 good solid hours.

2. The cable bill will come due on your deadline and you won’t be able to pay it because you went out drinking last night.

3. There IS such a thing as too much ccafffeinne.

4. It takes you three times as long to write about a person, subject or thing that you actually care about.

5. Doubt is your biggest enemy. The minute you think you aren’t up to the task; you aren’t. Vodka won’t change that. Sex won’t change it either.

6. No one will be as excited about your goal as you.

7. The concept of “the muse” as most writers use it confuses and irritates me. “The muse is an angel” “The muse is a parasite.” “The muse is a whore.” “The muse is a fickle friend.” I think we need to maintain a safe distance from that so-called entity that inspires us to write. What do we do if the muse doesn't show up? Our job as writers is to show up and write. Sometimes, we write brilliantly, sometimes (often) we don’t. The more we grow anxious about engaging the muse or “allowing” her into our lives, the less capable we are of simply showing up.

8. On that same note: If you think about the whole book or even a whole chapter, you will freak the hell out. That thing that E.L.Doctorow, the author of the book/play Ragtime said holds true, “Writing a book is like driving at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” (Probably misquoted, but the general idea is there.)

9. Remember how everyone said they would help you? Edit when ever you want? Take you out for cocktails? Get photos for you? Yeah. They didn’t mean it. Don’t take it personally, they are busy, too. (See rule #6.)

10. Every now and then, you have to interact with real humans. In my case, I am actually writing about what real humans would presumably want to do, so it makes sense that I would understand what people might be interested in. But when I find myself sharing how excited I get about closing all my browser windows at the end of each task (seriously, so gratifying!) and look up to find everyone staring blankly back at me, I know it is time to turn off the computer and talk to someone who doesn’t limit me by 140 characters.

11. I am apparently a perfectionist. But I’ll elaborate more on that later. I don’t have enough time/head space right now to express everything I want to say on it right now. (Which, as I re-read this, is probably a testament to the fact, sheesh.)

12. Your editor is there for a reason. Don’t expect to be perfect. Try to spell correctly. Use the Oxford comma with grace and skill, but don’t spend an entire day looking up 14 alternatives to the word “good,” only to freak out and spend another day reading People magazine instead of writing because you are afraid you are a boring and amateurish writer who should never have gotten the job in the first place.

13. I’ll say it again. Your editor is there for a reason (and not because you are boring and amateurish. Stop it. Just stop it.) Your editor is there to make you better. When your editor does correct you, don’t beat yourself up for not thinking of it first. Embrace it.

14. Don’t make plans on the day of a deadline in hopes that you will be inspired to stay focused. Mistakes will be made.

15. Don’t forget why you’re doing it.

Time Management

It's been weeks now since I was given the task of announcing that PDX Magazine was folding. As I suspected, we didn't go out with a bang. It wasn't really a whisper either, more like a soft, unintentional fart.
But frankly, I am pleased with the way things ended. For a while I was worried that all our work would have been for naught. I was sad to see it end, but I think the timing was right.
We had our ups and downs over the years, sure. There were times when we weren't certain what to expect from the business side of things. But my colleagues and I stuck with it until the end because of a number of reasons:
1. We believed in the product. There were some that complained about the fact that we never wrote "anything negative." This is not because we were ruled by advertising, but because we had made a choice to only cover the places we liked. We billed ourselves as the "Where to go, what to do magazine" not the "what not to do" magazine. Plus, we figured the Willamette Week and The Mercury had that whole snarky thing down pat.
2. We felt that we had finally begun to separate ourselves from the others (The Mercury, Willamette Week, Portland Monthly, etc).
3. We (myself and my art director) had the distinct pleasure of having nearly-complete creative control.
4. We were getting paid. Sure, we were working long hours and wearing many, many hats, but we got paychecks (almost always before sundown on payday).
5. We love Portland. This city is so vibrant and enthusiastic. Writing about it for the last 3 and a half years was not only easy, it was fun.

On a more personal level, I am taking this opportunity to focus on finishing the Moon Travel Guide for the city of Portland. (The completed book is due in August.) I had set my mind on the fact that I would be able to soar through the rest of the chapters with ease now that my schedule had opened up, but that hasn't exactly been the case. Budgeting my time has been a challenge and some things have gotten in the way of my productivity.

This week, I am trying a new tactic. I get up early, make coffee, take a shower and "commute" back upstairs where I proceed to work on writing for at least 2 hours before I allow myself to get distracted or consumed by anything else. It's going well today, but hey, if any of you have tips for being more productive while working from home, I would welcome them!

Thanks for the memories, PDX!

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the end of PDX Magazine. Since October of 2005, we've had the pleasure of writing about one of the greatest cities in the world; and we consider it a privilege to have shared some of our favorite elements of it with you.

Our operation has always been quite small (usually a core group of 4-5 people assembling content/writing/editing/designing), and of late that has been to our benefit. When things got tough, we got creative. We buckled down. We worked harder and longer and we made sacrifices wherever we could. Sadly, the challenges of creating a high-quality print publication every month outweigh the practicalities of sustaining it any longer.

Thank you for your readership and support throughout these past years. It has been a rough-and-tumble, but glorious ride.

-Hollyanna McCollom
Editor-in-Chief

On the Hot Seat: Storm Large and Sam Adams

They are both known for their vibrant personalities and strong presence in the community, but what do a local rock star and a city mayor have in common? Well, for one thing, they are both dynamic, passionate people who are fiercely in love with Portland; for another, they are both working hard to repair the damaged arts education programs in our schools and to make the city an energetic place for artists (and art lovers) to not only grow, but thrive.


HM: So Sam, you had a chance to see Storm’s show. What did you think?
SA: I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was a roller coaster ride…equal parts raw vulnerability combined with huge talent, incredibly compelling entertainment.
SL: (blushing) Thank you.
SA: It’s gutsy, you know. As someone else in the public eye, [I know] it’s gutsy to get up there and say a) “Look at me,” and b) “Look at my nasty, dark, difficult days.” For you to be so up front about it, but to do it in a way that is so genuine, while never asking for redemption nor trying to glamorize it. You were really good about talking about it and sharing what you learned from it in the least preachy way I’ve seen in my life. Whatever the opposite of preachy is, that’s what Storm did.
HM: Do you think it’s important for her to build a show like that here in Portland? How does it play into the fabric of the arts community?
SA: Well, I think that it’s important in terms of inspiring other artists to do authentic work that stretches the bounds of what is commercial. If you bring a Broadway show to Portland, on the road you are going to sell out. If you create a show here and you do it on your own terms; that’s harder. It’s hard anywhere, but I think it is harder here. To do it with the production values available and to exceed what people will see anywhere else in the United States is hard. You know, Storm doesn’t like to talk about it, but Storm works her ass off to make a living at it, in a city where it’s difficult for an artist to make a full time wage.
HM: That’s a good point. Storm, why do you choose to make your life and your living here?
SL: Because I used to live in San Francisco when I started my music career and I toured the country many times, and every time I came to Portland, I felt like I could breathe a little better. Something about it just called to me. I loved it. I loved the people I would encounter here. And unlike California, which is known for its famous artists and its glamor and glitz…and San Francisco is a physically stunning city, but it wasn’t very supportive of its artists. And that’s kind of where I started to get involved with politics because [Willie] Brown was mayor and Gavin Newsom was councilman when the building commissioners changed the zoning–¬unbeknownst to the voters¬¬–in this corridor on South of Market which housed a lot of rock clubs…changed it from light industrial to mixed use. So all of a sudden there are these million dollar lofts springing up on top of nightclubs and they are calling the police every time I would play or whenever any band would turn up the volume past a certain decibel. So, the clubs were getting closed down, even though they had been there and established forever. So, I went to city hall with Gavin Newsom and a bunch of other artists, bartenders and bar backs and said, “What are you doing? You are destroying what makes San Francisco kind of cool.” But they were making so much money on real estate–this was during the dot com boom–that they wouldn’t even listen to us. Joe Donahue screamed in my face that what I was doing was not work. He said, “That’s not work that you do. You’re just partying.” And I said, “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be a musician and to try and make a living at it?” He said, “You’re trying to take food out of my kids’ mouths!” And I said, “I have no idea what you are talking about, but you look like you are doing okay. I had to walk here.”
So San Francisco kind of turned its back on its artists. I don’t know if it’s any different now because I have been living in Portland for seven years. But one thing that struck me about Portland was First Thursdays. A huge, city-wide celebration of its creative population just staggered me. I couldn’t believe it. I said, “This must be some kind of ‘Art Day’” Oh, no they do that every month. Every month?!?
When I started playing here, people from other bands would come and they would tell me they thought I was great, and I was like, “Are you kidding?” It was such a competitive scene in San Francisco. Here it just seemed like DJs, rappers, cover bands, fire eaters, strippers, we all support eachother’s business and get inspired by eachother’s business. I mean, there is healthy competition here, but there is room for everybody and Portland understands as an entity what makes it so wonderful to live here: Its natural beauty, its emphasis on small business, independent thinking and creative culture. I can’t imagine living anywhere else in the United States. I have been all over this country and most of the parts of the world and, seriously, I have never felt more at home anywhere. I’m a big, bad freak-a-zoid and I belong here.
SA: Amen.
HM: It seems like we seem to get it within the community as far as the theatre people tend to understand that “theatre begets theatre.” I assume it is the same in the music industry and in visual arts. We understand that art begets art, but do you feel the general citizenry sees and understands what’s going on?
SA: Well, over the last three years, we’ve done a lot of public opinion research about these issues. What the research shows is that folks in the Portland region prioritize arts and culture as a key attribute to the reasons that they live here. But they are really unaware of how it works financially. You know, they go to events, the ticket sales are great, so things seem good, despite the fact that ticket sales are but a small percentage for any arts and culture organization here in Portland as far as their financial sustainability. So, they embrace it and they especially value arts education which we have cut the heart out of–
SL: It’s awful.
SA: It is. And we have been working on the creative capacity for art, which we will roll out this week. We’ll have a town hall meeting here on Monday [April 13]. So, we have done our homework to figure out how we can manifest that big, overwhelming support for arts and culture into more public funding for arts and culture. We have per capita–we fund about half as much as Seattle? In Seattle it’s about $7.52 per person that they contribute to the arts every year and here it is $2.47 and if you go back and forth between the venues that are based out of Seattle and based out of Portland, you know, we rock! We’re just not providing enough funding to sustain it.
HM: So, Storm, how could it be different for you as an artist trying to create new work? What would you need? Financial support? More programs?
SL: For me, I am in a very fortunate position because I have established myself fairly well. So, for a show like this [Crazy Enough], the amount of money it takes to put a show on is a large percentage of what anyone is going to end up making. However, I live very simply. I am not rich at all. I do all right. I live well. I sell records. I do shows and I can make enough money to survive. So, it’s not so much for me, but I think it’s really important for music education, definitely. I don’t think I could name the statistics…of what a difference it makes in kids’ lives in terms of learning and emphasizing their creative selves instead of just being a freaking number.
SA: And if I could interject, empirical analysis shows that for elementary students, when as part of the curriculum they have culture, music, visual arts, performing arts, they do better in all other subjects as well. It is one of the best ways…I mean, it gets the creative, critical thinking parts of them–
SL: Both sides of the brain start juicing up…in their sweet, young, curly, delicious brains. [laughs] So, I think for arts education, it’s dire, because our schools have suffered so, so much over the last few years. And I think it’s important for developing venues and other artists who have a lot to say but can’t make ends meet. But I think it is also important to educate people who are not artists, those who appreciate and patronage the arts. It’s good to educate them. You know people might come to see the show and think, “Oh she’s a rock star. She must have tons of money and live in a mansion with lines of cocaine on the table.” I think it would be interesting to have people understand what it takes financially to put on a show that costs 20 bucks to get into. It’s a lot of work on behalf of a lot of people and those people need to get paid.
HM: Do you think the city understands the costs?
SL: No, I don’t think so. I’m not saying that it’s ignorance or that people don’t care. People may not be interested, but they may be interested to know that it isn’t just a situation where these creative show up and then people pay money to see them. There is a whole network and community of people behind the scenes. There are jobs–tons and tons of jobs–that we are losing because of the current financial situation. All these jobs that it takes to put on these shows that give the city so much juice. Those people, the techs, the electricians, the light people, the sound people, ticket sales…the box office people are the liaison between the theatre and the community. Those are very valuable jobs that we are losing and that’s all arts funding as well.
SA: And in this day and age, a city has to be highly innovative to compete and grow and its people have to be the most innovative to succeed in this new global reality. You know, Portland, we don’t want to be the biggest; we just want to be the best. Portland cannot be an innovative city if it does not have a robust creative capacity. We can’t have a robust creative capacity if the public funding for the arts is a third of what it is in Seattle. We will decline. It’s as simple as that.
HM: Do you think that Portland has a distinctive flavor when it comes to the arts scene here?
SL: I kind of do. I think we’re more DIY than anywhere that I have ever been. We’re scrappier. We are more resourceful. We’re scrappier, more resourceful, more innovative and there’s just more of it. There are more creative people here…in the food industry, in the writing community, in the print industry, in painting and dance and theatre and music. All walks of life here seem to be touched by a creative hand. And, God, it’s awesome!
HM: Well, we’ve been getting a lot of attention in the national media, the New York Times, etc. They seem to love us–
SL: Yeah, but they called us sad, didn’t they? Didn’t they say were the saddest little city? And recently said that we were evocative of what was wrong with the economy, and yet our median house prices compared to New York’s have stayed fairly regular and New York’s have gone [blows raspberry]. You know, we’re just as touched by the economic crisis as anyone else.
HM: Is there some merit to drawing attention to the kind of art we have here as far as getting national attention? Is there hope in that?
SA: I agree, well my view of the arts community here in Portland is similar to Storm’s in that Portland seems to be a place where it’s not only do-it-yourself, it’s also “be yourself.” We’re not a movement of any particular theme, but we are an open artistic community in terms of bringing your own ideas. There’s a pretty open field in which to make a go of it. From a marketing point of view, in terms of the output, that’s kind of hard, other than the fact that Portland is a place where you can get interesting, fresh take on things from a creative perspective. Another thing that I would add as far as what we need to do with our public funding is because we are a relatively small city in a relatively small region, for our artists to succeed, we need to promote them worldwide. There are cities in the world, like Melbourne, that do a really good job, not only with their visual artists, but with their performing artists as well. Their arts and culture community is a traded sector, meaning that they know that they are a relatively small community as well, so they make sure that their artists have the opportunity to go to some kind of performance gathering, they make sure that they are there to help the performers get out there–
SL: That’s why Sam’s going to drive me to New York.
SA: Got the car gassed up right now.
SL: I’ve got snacks!
SA: Ooh, Cheetos!
HM: Is that something we see a lot, where artists will build something here, create something and have a tremendous amount of success in this community and then feel the need to move on?
SA: I’ll let her answer that from the artistic point of view, but in my opinion, I want to help them export that and keep them here, keep them based here. But just like we underwrite the cost and provide subsidies to a lot of other economic endeavors within this city and state, we need to do the same thing for artists. Because if Storm takes her show on the road, she is still based here. Eventually, the money flows back here. Hopefully, she will get a chance to take her show on the road and it will promote Portland as well. People will think, “Wow! This really cool show was conceived of in Portland.”
SL: And that’s the hope. You know, when I went to L.A. to do the TV show [Rockstar: Supernova], I was living there for about a year and I had an apartment there, but I never had any intentions to relocate. You know, I am a touring musician. I have been touring for almost 20 years and travel is part of your economic reality, but I don’t have any plans to relocate permanently. I would take this show to New York or to Chicago, because you go where the money is, but then you always come home. You always come home. That’s why I live here. I can travel, but there’s no place like home.
HM: Well, Sam, what can we as a community be doing to help people like Storm continue to grow artistically?
SA: It isn’t all about money, but it’s a lot about money. Folks like to get together in the creative community and say, “Oh, if we only had more affordable performance space and if we only had more affordable places to live where we could practice our craft…if I only had health insurance–
SL: Oh, yeah, that’s a big one!
SA: These are all good, basic things and they all lead back to money. So, it isn’t all about money, but it’s my job as a lover of the arts and as mayor of this city who thinks that we need to be a very innovative place to succeed. It’s a very good investment. [If we have] more public investment in culture, we will get dividends back from it that far exceed whatever increased investments we make. It will come back to us in terms of creating a better place to live, in terms of being a smarter, more innovative community. It will come back to us in terms of more prosperity.
HM: What can the typical “starving artist” do to contribute to that?
SA: Well, asking a starving artist to contribute money is tough, but asking them to contribute their time…there is no excuse. Everyone can carve out one day a year, two days a year, maybe four hours twice a year to do the kind of advocacy that is necessary. The Arts Can is an advocacy network that we have started. It’s initial focus was to make sure that the city council does not cut back on the funding that we have been able to achieve over the last few years. It holds the line, no cuts. It’s not a lot of money and any cuts would be devastating. So that network is getting involved for the first time ever–and Storm was there and Jennifer Yocum, our Director of Arts and Culture for the city of Portland–and we are working together to organize the community. Part of the responsibility locally, part of the reason that funding for the arts is so anemic is that the arts and culture community has been really poorly organized and has not delivered the kind of advocacy that other causes in the community have. We can’t afford that kind of advocacy. Over the next few years, we are going to be going to the ballot to get funding for the arts and we are going to try to break the top ten per capita. Not for the privilege to pound our chests and say, “this is good” but because that’s what we need to be a successful city.
SL: Are we allowed to talk about the tax thing?
SA: …Yeah, you can talk about that. Oh, this is bullshit. The thing she’s about to talk about...the problem is bullshit.
SL: Well, I am very fortunate because I make a decent living doing what I love to do here in Portland. So, I have no problem volunteering my time as a singer, as an entity, as a celebrity, as a host, or whatever. I did the math and I probably donated about 100 hours last year and raised $80,000 for a bunch of different charities. I probably grossed about $17,000 for myself. Now, my taxes are going to be fine, but I cannot write off my volunteerism as an artist. You know, I tried to write off my breast implants, but that didn’t go so well either.
SA: You mean they’re not real?
SL: They are now!
SA: Now I’m blushing.
SL: No, but I think volunteering, advocacy and artists feeling like their time is worth something other than what they get for a painting or what they get for singing a song, I think it would improve the city’s creative self-esteem, because coming up as an artist, I felt that in America, unless you were a rock star or super famous, you were kind of a bum. “Oh, you’re a singer? Great, but what’s your job? What do you do, really?” It’s like saying that art isn’t important. So, I think that if there were some kind of tax incentive, you could write off your time, call it eight dollars an hour even, just the minimum, you know, minimum wage. There would be a larger number of people advocating themselves as artists and having a little more pride in being a creative person as a career, as a valuable member of this community.
SA: So, it’s like, Exxon gets to write off a donation to the Guggenheim on their taxes, but Storm Large–I was at an event where she donated a painting for a worthy cause–
SL: The Children’s Cancer Network.
SA: So she donates this painting to a nonprofit organization trying to fight cancer in children and she can’t write that off. Why would a big oil company get to write that off when Storm Large can’t? We are advocating on a federal level for a change in the tax code to allow artists to write off the donations they make.
SL: That painting took three or four days, and it’s awesome!
SA: It is awesome.
SL: Are you going to buy it.
SA: Um, yes. It it’s the right price. It’s a live auction and I usually get priced out of after the third bid.
SL: Because he’s cheap!
SA: No, no, it’s because Storm Large is expensive!
HM: Do you think Portland is in a place to be a leader nationally when it comes to advocating for the arts?
SA: Yes. That’s the venue, the platform, the pulpit that I had with the U.S. conference of mayors within the national league of cities where we have already begun to promote these issues on the federal level, I got on the agenda that we needed to change the federal tax code and that is a relatively simple and inexpensive thing that the federal government can do to help artists.
SL: And it would result in increased revenue for the city. If people had better incentive, you know, if they are saving more, they will spend more. It builds revenue.
HM: Do you both see Portland as becoming a destination spot for the arts?
SL: It already is. Well, it already is for creative people and if we can back that up with the financial realities that we are talking about it’s just going to kick some ass.

Crazy Enough: Storm Large takes PCS by...well...storm

Last week at Portland Center Stage, things were a bit bittersweet. Just as news leaked out that they had “let go” their entire literary department (including Literary Manager Mead Hunter), Storm Large’s one-woman autobiographical show Crazy Enough was finally premiering in the Ellen Bye Studio. And while many within the Portland theatre scene were worried, angry or frustrated about the former, the latter was an occasion that left many of us feeling like Christmas had come early.
After months of workshops, re-writes and rehearsals, Large took the stage Friday night in a surprisingly stripped-down fashion. No booming announcement, no dress-cut-down-to-there, no drum roll. Just Storm.
Those of us who have watched Large rise from a cult star in the Portland clubs to a household name on reality TV’s Rockstar: Supernova know that she is a consummate entertainer. She’s brassy, sexy, and funny and oh yeah, the girl’s got pipes. The funny thing is, whether she’s playing to a packed house at Dante’s or to a sea of fans standing shoulder to shoulder in a warehouse, she somehow makes you feel as if she is sitting in your lap, tickling your ear with her breath. She’s engaging, yes, but it’s more than just that. Storm is like the opening riff of “Foxy Lady.” She’s the burlesque piano line in David Bowie’s “Time.” She is the bassline in “Come As You Are.” When she’s on the mic, she is everything you want her to be: Vulnerable, flirtatious and unabashed. It’s just that most of us never questioned why.
Crazy Enough is an impressive, funny and sad glimpse into the life that made Large so much larger than life. The songs that are sprinkled throughout the two-act show (co-written by Large and The Balls band member James Beaton) are delivered with the chanteuse’s signature panache. Some of them are bawdy, rock-heavy nods to her career of late; some of them are so heartbreakingly tender, you forget that she’s known for the hits “What The F*ck is Ladylike?” and “Where is My Mind?”.
Much of the show focuses on Large’s troubled relationship with her mentally ill mother, like the moment when she recalls her five-year-old fear of having a caused a relapse in her mother’s psychiatric health by being “too loud,” and makes a pact to be as silent as possible. Always more of a shrieking violet than a shrinking one, Large was a kid who probably thrived on noise and kinetic energy. So, your heart breaks when she then recalls driving her mother to tears and sobs of, “Stormy hates me!” because instead of greeting her with the usual flurry of screams and excitement, she twitches quietly in the corner, wanting to cry out, but terrified of crashing through her mother’s tenuous moments of sanity.


Little by little, you begin to understand how little Stormy grew into what she is today. She is never maudlin as she explains how pain, heartache and fear were pushed aside for sex, drugs, gallows humor and (eventually) rock and roll. The show never feels heavy handed or preachy, despite the fact that the message of survival is clear.
In one of the songs most popular (and infectious) songs, “8 Miles Wide,” she sings, “I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I’m too much. Maybe its just you’re not enough.”
Large has knocked it out of the park here, finally crushing any post-TV whispers of her being just a flash-in-the-pan. With all the bawdiness, talent and charisma of a young Bette Midler and a personality that is both unapologetic and endearing, Large proves that she is destined to be one of the most electrifying performers of her time.

Red Alert: Portland's Biggest Bash Heats Up Once Again

If you are new to Portland (or have perhaps been living under a rock) you may not know about the annual Red Dress Party, an event that is arguably one of the most fun (and well-attended) fundraisers in town. Call it a rave (it’s not); call it a block party (that’s closer), or call it “My Big Fat Gay Prom,” Red Dress is the event where Portlanders of all walks kick up their pretty red heels and party all night long in support of local charities.
Last year’s bash saw nearly 2,000 revelers and raised $35,000 for Esther's Pantry, SHARE and Outside In. Partygoers sipped hosted cocktails in the “Red Sea” themed warehouse while dancing and listening to a performance by Storm and the Balls. Midway through the evening, whispers skittered up through the crowd. “Chelsea Clinton is here,” screamed a pretty boy in a bright red Mad Men-style skirt suit, “Omigod! I just saw her!” “Really, darling?” sighed a sequin-speckled drag queen languishing on the couches, “Was she wearing a red dress?” Sadly, she was not.
While Red Dress is a party not to be missed, there is one very simple, but very strict rule. Everyone (and they mean everyone except Chelsea Clinton) must wear a red dress to gain admittance. Manly men who felt threatened by the idea of donning a red frock have tried in vain to wear kilts, culottes and shorts only to be turned away by the divas at the door (usually the perfectly turned out Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence).
This year, they are hoping to raise even more for charitable organizations that support gay youth and those that support the many folks living with HIV/AIDS and other serious diseases. The theme, “Red Eye,” will feature “in-flight entertainment” from Poison Waters, VJ Dantronix, DJ Harmonix, DJ Tronic, and Peach the Fire Spinner, as well as Storm and the Balls. Those lucky enough to snap up some First-Class tickets have the advantage of early admittance, premium cocktails and a performance by Tahoe Jackson.
Tickets get snapped up quickly for this event, but those red dresses go even quicker. At thrift stores, vintage shops and Goodwills across the city, shopping for a dress in the last two weeks before the party is a bit like trying to find a date at your grandmother’s church (i.e. all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left reek of cabbage and baby powder).
Fortunately, there are still a few viable options. On Wednesday, April 8, Zaytoon Bar (2235 NE Alberta Street, 284-1168) will host a Red Dress Exchange party wherein guests can bring an old frock and exchange it for something new and fabulous. On the 16th, there will be a fashion show and fundraiser entitled “Red Threads for Model Citizens” featuring many local celebs (like Sam Adams, Marc Acito and Byron Beck) strutting their stuff in red dresses from local boutiques. Tickets for the event are $75 and include drinks at the New Deal Vodka Bar, food and swag bags.
If you miss those events, you won’t want to miss bingo with the aforementioned Sisters. Every second Sunday of the month, the sisters are pulling balls for cash at the Portland Police Athletic Association Hall (618 SE Alder, portlandsisters.net). But on Sunday, April 19, they will also host a dress exchange in anticipation of the big affair. Doors open at 4pm.
If all that fails you, get creative. Embrace your inner ballerina and make a no-sew tutu. Head to Office Depot for supplies and then whip together a fabulous paper dress. Grab an old t-shirt and make a rocker-chic halter. Or, if nothing else, find a fun cotton dress or lightweight slip and discover the wonders of Rit Dye #5.
That being said, with almost a month until the event, there is still time to hit up those second hand stores. Red Light Clothing Exchange (3590 SE Hawthorne Blvd) has an entire rack of dresses pulled aside just for this shindig. Goodwill (1943 SE Sixth Avenue) and Buffalo Exchange (1036 SW Burnside) both offer a great opportunity to find that one-of-a-kind treasure; and Lord knows Portland has a plethora of great vintage stores to choose from like Magpie (520 SW 9th), Hattie’s (729 E Burnside St # 101).
One last tip: If you decide to shop vintage, do yourself a favor and measure your waist, chest and hips before going in. Those frocks are older than you, baby and chances are, the girls were built just a little bit different back then.
For more information on the Red Dress Party, go to www.reddresspdx.com.

UPDATE: Red Threads for Model Citizens has been canceled due to low ticket sales. Boo! Make sure you don't miss the big event!

Out of House & Home: Sampling some of P-Town's best house infusions

These days, mixing cocktails is kind of like chemistry class. Suddenly, we’re seeing liquid nitrogen ice cream infused with liqueur, whiskey marshmallows and gin-and-tonic jellies served on lime chips. Mixologists across the city are dazzling us with ingredient lists that read like grocery lists. We’d like to say we were first in line when they invented the rum-based equivalent of Pop Rocks. But when faced with such oddities, we are creatures of habit, always ordering our Jager with a PBR back or the standard vodka and diet. We’d like to branch out, but does our hurricane have to erupt like a science experiment? Personally, we prefer a more organic approach to cocktail chemistry—namely, a good old-fashioned infusion.
Whether you’re a vodka drinker or a whiskey hound, this town is rich with bars that offer house-infused liquors for all tastes. From the common—a vanilla or pepper vodka—to the downright bizarre, like a bacon-infused vodka, PDX’s creative spirit goes way beyond the canvas or the stage.
At Camellia Lounge (510 NW 11th Ave, 221-2130, teazone.com), nestled inside The Tea Zone, bartender Conor admits that they use tea in all their cocktails. And no, their menu doesn’t read like $5 Long Island night at the local meat market. Instead, it’s a surprisingly creative array of cocktails for bourbon, vodka, rum and gin drinkers alike. Try a sweet Manhattan made with rooibos vanilla bourbon, Southern Comfort and muddled orange (the Southern Honey); or for a refreshing summer treat, opt for the Mango Madras, an in-house favorite using mango black tea-infused vodka, orange juice and hibiscus juice. Gin drinker? Try the Sunset on the Empire, which simply mixes Darjeeling-infused Beefeater Gin and tonic with a little bit of lime. What’s more, Camellia is maybe the only spot in Portland where you’ll find alcoholic bubble teas.
Also in the Pearl District is the cozy, yet classy Paragon Restaurant (1309 NW Hoyt St, 833-5060, paragonrestaurant.com), which is not to be confused with the now defunct Paragon Club on North Interstate. The Pearl’s Paragon is known for classic American cuisine, but their signature cocktails made with house-infused vodka, tequila and rum really take center stage. Think cocktails aren’t good for you? Think again. For health-conscious drinkers, Paragon offers up their Antioxidant Elixir with their own house-made Blueberry Skyy Vodka, pomegranate juice and lemonade. Or, if your tummy is a little bit shaky, try the Crater Lake Cooler with Marionberry Crater Lake Vodka, Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew and orange bitters (both the ginger brew and the bitters stave off queasiness).
Just a few blocks away is Clyde Common (1014 SW Stark St, 228-3333, clydecommon.com), currently basking in the good fortune of having one of the top five Portland bartenders, Kevin Ludwig, at their helm. Ludwig is set to open his much-anticipated Beaker & Flask (720 SE Sandy Blvd, beakerandflask.com) with another Portland on-the-rocks-star, Lance Mayhew, in September. The opening will round out what is now becoming known as the Distillery District (see next month’s neighborhood feature for more information). In the meantime, he is bringing his talent for mixology to the menu at Clyde. Known for never taking a shortcut to a good cocktail, Ludwig often makes everything he can from scratch, whether it’s a house infusion or his infamous homemade tonic.
Not far from Clyde is the effervescent Saucebox (214 SW Broadway, 241-3393, saucebox.com), which for more than 10 years has been a go-to spot for clever cocktails. Besides their signature house-made cordials (like fennel, cherry, chestnut, hibiscus, macadamia nut, strawberry or mango, just to name a few) they also have nearly a dozen house-infused spirits (like kaffir lime gin, cucumber vodka, Thai chili tequila and lemon grass vodka), which can be served in cocktails or on their own. Saucebox’s cocktail menu—nicknamed “the Bible”—is extensive, but some popular summertime concoctions are the Mirrorball (watermelon vodka, lemon-lime, cranberry juice and Prosecco) or the decadent Frozen Chocolate Banana (vanilla vodka, muddled bananas, Godiva White Chocolate, crème de cacao and cream). Or, if you are truly feeling daring, try the Samurai Mary, a vindictive blend of Thai chili vodka, wasabi, Worcestershire, soy sauce and akvavit. Don’t bother ordering a water back, that will only make it worse. Instead, order a pupu platter and soothe your tongue with some sweet potato spring rolls.
Also downtown is the ever-popular Gilt Club (306 NW Broadway, 222-4458, giltclub.com), whose summer menu includes a house-infused strawberry vodka with fresh lemon, fig balsamic vinegar and a twist (a.k.a. My Friend Sarah); or try the Summer Camp, made with gin infused with tangerine, campari and sweet vermouth. For more information on Gilt Club, check out our feature on them in the June issue (“Olive U”) or online at pdxmagazine.com.
The granddaddy of downtown infusion spots (if by sheer number alone) is the quiet but noteworthy Voleur (111 SW Ash St, 227-3764, voleurrestaurant.com). With more than 20 infusions at the ready, they have a bevy of cocktails on hand whether you favor the “tini” type drink or something more classic. The Mango Margarita is worth the trip alone, not too sweet and perfect on a hot day.
Not to be outdone, the north side of the river offers some noteworthy spots for kicked-up spirits as well. In the Alberta District, stop by Siam Society (2703 NE Alberta St, 922-3675, siamsociety.com), where they have a killer cosmopolitan made with ginger and lime-infused Skyy vodka that apparently won a statewide bartending award. Grab an order of their lettuce wraps and order up a jalapeno-pear kamikaze. (Side note: The balance of sweet, tart and spicy in this drink is almost enough to make me forget about that ill-advised kamikaze shoot-out of my early 20s. Almost.) Another favorite amongst the locals is Siam’s Ambassador, which consists of pineapple-infused dark rum, Lapsang Suchang tea and coconut milk cream. It’s sweet talk in a glass. Which, come to think of it, explains why it’s the ambassador.
In the burgeoning North Portland neighborhood, there’s always Mint/820 (816 N Russell St, 284-5518, mintrestaurant.com), whose owner Lucy Brennen (also one of the top five in town) put Portland on the cocktail map. If you stop by, try the Ruby, a blushing doll made of beet-infused vodka with a splash of lemon-lime. Next, swing by Moloko Plus (3967 N Mississippi Ave, 288-6272), where they boast more than 20 house infusions. A stark-white interior lends to the airiness of the place, inspiring guests to sip cocktails such as the Ultra Moloko, a combination of house-made coconut rum, infused vanilla vodka, Godiva liqueur and Frangelico. Other surefire hits are the Mint-Ginger Lemonade and The Sprained Ankle. With Raspberry puree, habenero chile, lime and Tequila, it’s way more fun than its namesake.
Finally, I have to address the aforementioned pig candy (bacon-infused vodka). Yes, there is such a thing and you can find it dancing with the bloody mary mix at The Florida Room (435 N Killingsworth St, 287-5658). Stop by on Saturday or Sunday for the Church of the Bloody Mary brunch. You’ll be a convert within no time.
It’s plain to see that Portland is practically silly with infusions. It’s no wonder, really, when it opens the door up to such creative combinations. So, belly up and get ready to open your mind, because you never know what might end up in your cocktail shaker next.

Want to experiment with infusions in your own kitchen? Here are some simple recipes to try.

Kumquat Vanilla Vodka

16 Kumquats, sliced in half
2 Vanilla beans, broken into bits
One 750-ml bottle of good quality vodka

Place all ingredients in a clean, airtight glass container and let stand in a cool, dark place (like a cupbord) for at least a week, shaking gently every two days. Taste the mixture to see if it has matured enough and, if not, allow it to sit for a few more days (but never more than two weeks). Strain the mixture through a coffee filter or cheese cloth-lined funnel until all sediment is removed and funnel back into the original bottle or an airtight decorative one. Keep chilled until ready to serve.

Pepper Bacon Booze

5 slices of good quality bacon, cooked
1 handful of peppercorns (optional)
One 750-ml bottle of good quality vodka or bourbon

Place all the ingredients in a clean, airtight glass container and let stand in a cool, dark place (like a cupboard) for three weeks, shaking gently every few days. Strain the mixture through a cheese cloth until all sediment is removed then place the jar in the freezer overnight to separate the fat residue from the alcohol. Filter again through a coffee filter. Keep chilled until ready to serve.

Did you DIY? Visit our blog and let us know how it turned out or to share some recipes of your own.

Get Hitched! Get Tix!

By Hollyanna McCollom

The recession has everyone watching their wallets, but thanks to a few domestic tax breaks (i.e. buying a house, having a baby, etc) now is actually a pretty good time to get hitched. Earlier this year, Reuters reported that the recession has actually boosted American’s sense of romance. Blame it on the decrease in disposable income (“I don’t know honey, what do you want to do tonight?”) or the the increase in unemployment; whatever the cause, the lovebug is getting some serious action these days.
If you are looking to pop the question, the love-sick folks at Portland Center Stage (128 NW Eleventh Ave, 445-3700, pcs.org) are angling to make it worth your while. Riding the wave of their soon-to-be-closed Victorian love-fest, The Importance of Being Earnest, PCS is still feeling twitterpated and they are trying to spread the love. In a March 4 blog post, the company placed a call to arms for people to get engaged in or around PCS’s home, the historic Armory building. If the newly affianced couple then sends in photographic evidence of the joyous occasion, they will receive three pairs of tickets on the house.
So, head over to Tiffany’s (330 SW Yamhill St, 221-5565, tiffany.com) or hit up Gilt (720 NW 23rd Ave, 226-0629, giltjewelry.com) for a one-of-a-kind vintage ring (it is a recession after all!) and make a date. Grab a pre-made picnic basket from Elephant’s Delicatessen (115 NW 22nd Ave, 299-6304, elephantsdeli.com) stuffed with romantic edibles like salami, almonds, olives, brie, freshly baked baguette, seasonal fruit salad, cookies, chocolate mousse and Izze sodas. Then drop to your knee alongside the building in the tiny but lovely Vera Katz Park, or simply make her blush in front of their iconic red lit wall.
Then reap the rewards of your romantic gesture (the tickets AND the girl, silly!) because they’ve got two shows in April that are worth the effort. Storm Large’s much-anticipated Crazy Enough runs through June and the political drama Frost/Nixon opens April 14. And as PR & Publications Manager Trisha Pancio sites, “Nothing says romance like fallen politicians [and] filthy sex kitten rockstars.”

Portland Unveiled: Getting Hitched in Stumptown Style

By Hollyanna McCollom

Whether you are planning a big to-do or a simple backyard wedding, the big day can be a big headache to plan. It’s easy to get sucked into the hoopla and suddenly find yourself asking, “Do I really need designer suits and a horse-drawn carriage?” Well, if the tiara fits, then go ahead and have the sort of nuptials that would make royalty blush. After all, how often do you get the chance? But if you’re looking for something with a little more character (and a little less pomp), you’re in luck. Thanks to all the designers, artists and other creative types who have flocked here, Portland is one of the hippest cities to get hitched.
Before you start picking dresses and arranging bouquets, you’ll have to invite your wedding day audience. If you’re keen on being green, take a spin through Oblation Papers & Press (oblationpapers.com), an “old-world letterpress print shop, urban paper mill and fine European-style paper boutique” that turns recycled 100% acid-free cotton garments into beautiful old-school cards and invitations. Consider using a plantable invitation that guests can place in a pot with soil and grow wildflowers like bird’s eyes, poppies or snapdragons. Botanical Paperworks (botanicalpaperworks.com) makes 100% post-consumer waste cotton cards, invitations, journals and wedding favors embedded with North American flower seeds that bloom as the paper breaks down.
Want to eschew traditional invitations all together? These days it’s even more acceptable than ever to plan your wedding electronically. Brides are choosing to use online invitations (like evite.com) that will send invites, provide updates and reminders and keep a running tally of guests. E-Brides are also using the internet to build personalized wedding blogs wherein family and friends can read about the day-to-day trials of nuptial planning, offer their insight and share amusing stories.
Next, of course, you have to get dressed. Thanks to Leanne Marshall’s break-out win on last season’s Project Runway, the world started to pay attention to Portland’s fashion scene. But we already knew that P-Town had a bevy of talent, particularly when it comes to wedding gowns. Allison Covington of Amai Unmei (amaiunmei.com) is a favorite amongst local fashionistas for her mix of clean, classic lines and striking colors. Her 2009 bridal collection is no exception with gowns in silk charmeuse, chiffon, embroidered Italian cotton, opulent brocade and raw dupioni silk in colors that mimic a spring garden.

(Wedding coat by Amai Unmei, Photo by Jessica Hill)
In Portland, individuality reigns and designers like Kate Towers (katetowers.com) and Elizabeth Dye (elizabethdye.com) are popular for their one-of-a-kind creations. Towers, a self-taught designer who sells her wares at Seaplane (e-seaplane.com), creates dresses and wraps that seem to echo nature with their wispy, romantic silhouettes and distinctly Northwest palette. Dye, on the other hand, whose ready-to-wear collection is sold at The English Department (theenglishdept.com), seems to craft dresses that look like they stepped out of a fairytale. A self-professed ruffle addict, Dye’s dresses are pretty confections, perfectly suited for both the bride that dreamt of being a ballerina and the one that still fancies herself Ophelia.
At the Alphabet District’s Lena Medoyeff Bridal (lenadress.com), brides are also encouraged to engage their own inner-designer as they try dresses on, swapping out bright colored sashes and bows to create a personal touch. Designer Lynn Medoff (Medoyeff is her original Russian surname) understands that the “perfect dress” should be an extension of the bride’s personality, so her dresses range from understated and simple day dresses to richly embellished gowns rippling with ruffles, hand-painted flowers and lace.
There’s no need for the groom to opt for the standard rental tux, either. Seyta Selter of Duchess Clothier (duchessclothier.com) has been custom-making suits since 2005 and since then she has become the unofficial dresser of guys who believe than looking natty is not an obligation, it’s an art form. For less than it might take to buy an off-the-rack, one-in-a-million suit, Selter can custom make a three-piece suit for your special day that incorporates your colors with colorful linings, hand-made shirts and dapper accents. Last year, Selter paired up with boutique owner Jordan Saylor of Winn Perry (winnperry.com) and began selling her off-the-rack creations alongside Sovereign Beck ties and the remarkably well-crafted Alden boots. Dana Pinkham (pinkhammillinery.com) is another local favorite and nationally recognized milliner who has also sold a few of her creations at Winn Perry. Come to think of it, the addition of a kicking fedora is all the more reason why Winn Perry is a spot every groom should go before agreeing to spend the day in an uncomfortable, ill-fitting suit.
Once the apparel is taken care of, the next big nightmare task is making sure your guests are fed. Planning a menu can be overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to break the bank. If you’re having a daytime affair, you may be able to get away with hor d’oeurves and dessert. Or, plan to have a buffet instead of a sit down meal, but keep the size of your guest list in mind. If you over-plan a buffet, it can end up being more costly. Chloe Fennell of locally-owned Eat Your Heart Out (232-4408, eatyourheartout.biz) notes that it is important to be true to yourself when choosing a menu. She says, "The wedding feast...you create together will be memorable for your guests. Choose the style you feel comfortable with and foods you love or have loved sharing throughout your relationship."
(Photo courtesy of Eat Your Heart Out catering)

Of course, the food is place where couples can really express their creativity. Mandy L. of NE Portland writes to tell us that she went with a carnival theme for her July, 2001 wedding. She says, “We used a hot dog cart and had the tables heaped with big bowls of candy and unshelled peanuts.” Another bride says that members of her Italian family (most of whom are known for their cooking) each brought a signature dish to the reception along with a recipe. Guests were then given a “keepsake cookbook of Italian and Sicilian recipes that had been passed down through generations, some of which had been secret up until that day.” Fennell remarks that personality, not expectation is key when planning the big day, "If there is some quirky food that you both love, even if it's not elegant, you can serve it as an hors d'oeuvres. People have never stopped talking about the time we did a potato chip bar that we served at cocktail hour before the guests sat down to an elegant meal.
(Photo courtesy of Eat Your Heart Out catering)
If you opt for a caterer, make sure you find one that is willing to listen to your needs and accommodate them whenever possible. Make use of the bounty we have here in the Northwest and talk to potential caterers about creating a menu that adopts local favorites or things that are in season at nearby farmers markets.
When it comes to your cake, the sky’s the limit. You can choose an elaborately tiered formal cake, artfully displayed trays of cupcakes or even a collection of fresh NW pies. Portland has a number of bakeries that can cater to your particular desires. Want a vegan cake? Check out Sweetpea Baking Company (sweetpeabaking.com), where they concoct some truly stunning (and tasty!) cakes without using any of those pesky animal products like milk, eggs and butter. Can’t decide on a flavor? Call Seri Lopez at Serious Cake (seriouscake.com). She can make a cake the size of a skyscraper that features one of her 17 flavors in each death-defying layer. Want your cake with a little side of kitsch? Jocelyn Barda is your go-to gal at Bakery Bar (bakerybar.com), where you can get a traditional cake or you could opt for a tattoo-inspired heart with bluejays holding a banner that bears the initials of you and your beloved. What could be more Portland than that?
(Sweetpea Cake, Photo by Katie Marggraf)
If you are planning a wedding this year, keep in mind that even though the economy has been tanking, your love has weathered the storm. It’s okay to celebrate. In fact, it’s encouraged. Sing it from the Burnside Bridge. Shout it from the rooftops of downtown. Enjoy the love that you have found. When you decide to tie the knot, your day should not only be a celebration of your union, but of your individuality as well. After all, that’s the reason why you fell in love in the first place.
(Opening photo courtesy of West Coast Events)

25 Points of Randomness

I have been tagged by two separate people who requested 25 random things of me. I put it off. I moaned and fussed. I got over it. So...here goes:

1. I hate driving. I always have. My parents basically had to beg me to get my learner's permit and when it expired, they begged me to get it again.

2. I write approximately 10,000 words per month (I counted!). This is divided amongst the magazine, the website, my blog, Yelp and poetry. This does not include email.

3. I have never been to Vegas, New York, Chicago or Washington DC. I feel slightly incomplete because of this.

4. I just re-read Watership Down and was struck by the political and religious overtones that I was oblivious to in my twenties.

5. I want a tattoo that reads, "tabula rasa." Ha.

6. I cook meals for 6-7 people at least 2 nights per week. I rarely use anything boxed or bottled. I usually even make the salad dressing from scratch.

7. However, I often make cupcakes using store-bought cake mix and soda. If you mix a 12 oz can of any soda with cake mix and don't add anything else (no oil, egg, water, etc), the cupcakes come out perfect EVERY TIME and it's far less calories and fat.

8. I like to read the sort of books and essays that people often refer to as "personal journalism" or "immersion journalism," i.e. the sort of reporting wherein the writer becomes a subject or focus of the story. To that same effect, I often prefer read memoirs and non-fiction historical accounts to traditional novels.

9. For a writer and editor, I have a terribly short attention span. Oftentimes, when I am typing something, I'll begin to think about something else and end up with a sentence like this, "The gala opening event was a veritable who’s who of Portland and even Poison Waters should make meatloaf with both turkey and beef as well as crumbled up saltines."

10. I still occasionally wear a tiara on days when I am feeling terribly stressed or yucky. I do, however, try to do this when no one is looking.

11. I google the words "Green Dress" "70s" and "Keyhole" at least once a month in hopes that I will find another dress like the vintage one that I gave to a friend years ago when I thought I would never fit into it again.

12. I really miss having a cat. In fact, I rarely daydream about Jaime and I running off to get married or have children, but I do dream about us finding a super-organized and immaculate house complete with the pitter-patter of kitty claws.

13. My children have both informed me that they do not believe in God. Parker says that he's tried but God's "just not trying back." "Plus," he added, "after the tooth fairy thing, believing in stuff just seemed silly."

14. My oldest son is a poet, too. The first poetic line he ever wrote still makes me buzz with pride. It was, "The stars in my head wake me up with a story."

15. I have known Jaime since 1996. The day I met him, I wrote in my diary about how funny and amazing he was. The next day, I declared that I had made a fool of myself over him.

16. I like to make waffle s'mores by toasting frozen waffles (preferably banana) and then filling the little squares with chocolate chips and putting it under the broiler for a minute or so before adding a handful of marshmallows. These pair surprisingly well with bourbon.

17. I rarely say it out loud for fear I'll be lynched, but I really don't care for bacon all that much. I'm sure it makes me some sort of freak, but I've been known to quietly pick the bacon off my sandwiches and hide it under my napkin (like most kids do with their vegetables).

18. I still like smoking. Sometimes I do it once a day, sometimes fourteen. It makes me happy. So there.

19. I think I should take up knitting. I am not certain that I have the patience or dexterity, but I do like scarves.

20. I am addicted to magazines. Someone asked me how many I buy/receive each month and I lost count at 16.

21. There are few things that make me happier than a super-high, perfectly arched stiletto.

22. I recently discovered the joy of rain boots despite the fact that I am basically a lifelong Oregonian.

23. I walk on my tiptoes when barefoot or in socks. This is most likely a side affect of my aforementioned fondness for stilettos.

24. I occasionally get paid to be a pirate. And no, I'm not talking about DVDs.

25. I fear fish. I can think of nothing more terrifying than being dropped into a fish tank. Jaime used to be a diver at Undersea Gardens and whenever he tells me stories about it, I get shivers up my spine.