Ugh

Here's what I did today:

Woke up and stared at my ceiling for approximately 28 minutes. I've never contemplated my ceiling before. I never looked at the cracks, covered over in plaster and paint and wondered why they were there. I've never considered what sort of pressure might have caused those cracks to form. I have never wondered what might be lurking behind those seems where the wall begins to break away ever so slightly. Today I considered this.

Then I got dressed and stood in the kitchen for approximately 4 minutes. I considered eating, but didn't see the point. Instead, I fished ten dollars out of my various pockets and drove to the gas station. After taking the wrong turn twice trying to get back onto Powell, I went to work, where the air conditioning was being used for the first time (I assume). It sounded like a helicopter was landing in my office. Normaily, I might have been concerned, but today I found the loud hum somewhat comforting.

I spent the next several hours (until now) returning emails, reading about bats and refreshing my MySpace page to see if anything had changed (it hadn't). *sigh*

Last night, I spent several minutes staring at the small collection of ants that have gathered around my fireplace. I wondered where they were all going. They didn't seem to have much of a destination. Mostly, they just kept running in circles. They'd pass over the same discarded book twice and then go back and do it again. They didn't walk together and they didn't even walk in a line, they just wandered in circles as if they were looking for something, but weren't certain what that thing was. I wondered if this ever got monotonous for them, but then I considered the fact that I was the one sitting at home watching ants.

I've been feeling tired lately. I might be finally settling into the new job. The "newness" of it is wearing off, I guess. I still love it, but...well..I don't know. I think I am feeling a bit disconnected. It's my own damn fault because I have made little or no effort to hang out with my friends. Ugh. It's all a part of my "not-taking-care-of-myself" pattern. I know I need to do a better job of it. Yes, I probably should have eaten something today, even if it was just an apple. Yes, I probably should call my friends when I need someone to talk to. Yes, I should sleep instead of staying up until 5 am trying to write crappy poetry.

I need to do more dancing. I need to do more sitting and talking to humans and less sitting and watching ants. I need to eat something besides Skittles. I need to write more (and better) And I need to breathe a little too. That would be good.