Ugh

Here's what I did today:

Woke up and stared at my ceiling for approximately 28 minutes. I've never contemplated my ceiling before. I never looked at the cracks, covered over in plaster and paint and wondered why they were there. I've never considered what sort of pressure might have caused those cracks to form. I have never wondered what might be lurking behind those seems where the wall begins to break away ever so slightly. Today I considered this.

Then I got dressed and stood in the kitchen for approximately 4 minutes. I considered eating, but didn't see the point. Instead, I fished ten dollars out of my various pockets and drove to the gas station. After taking the wrong turn twice trying to get back onto Powell, I went to work, where the air conditioning was being used for the first time (I assume). It sounded like a helicopter was landing in my office. Normaily, I might have been concerned, but today I found the loud hum somewhat comforting.

I spent the next several hours (until now) returning emails, reading about bats and refreshing my MySpace page to see if anything had changed (it hadn't). *sigh*

Last night, I spent several minutes staring at the small collection of ants that have gathered around my fireplace. I wondered where they were all going. They didn't seem to have much of a destination. Mostly, they just kept running in circles. They'd pass over the same discarded book twice and then go back and do it again. They didn't walk together and they didn't even walk in a line, they just wandered in circles as if they were looking for something, but weren't certain what that thing was. I wondered if this ever got monotonous for them, but then I considered the fact that I was the one sitting at home watching ants.

I've been feeling tired lately. I might be finally settling into the new job. The "newness" of it is wearing off, I guess. I still love it, but...well..I don't know. I think I am feeling a bit disconnected. It's my own damn fault because I have made little or no effort to hang out with my friends. Ugh. It's all a part of my "not-taking-care-of-myself" pattern. I know I need to do a better job of it. Yes, I probably should have eaten something today, even if it was just an apple. Yes, I probably should call my friends when I need someone to talk to. Yes, I should sleep instead of staying up until 5 am trying to write crappy poetry.

I need to do more dancing. I need to do more sitting and talking to humans and less sitting and watching ants. I need to eat something besides Skittles. I need to write more (and better) And I need to breathe a little too. That would be good.

Detox

What is it about this time of day that makes me want to curl up under my desk and take a nap? I always seem to hit a wall around three or four...oh wait. It's five. Lack of food perhaps.

I'll have you know that I haven't had candy in days. (Except for that little hard candy thing that Lantz gave me on Tuesday) I seem to be in detox. No candy. No diet coke. It's not an intentional detox, I am just poor. Maybe it's a good thing though. I can see that after a few more days of this, (after the DT's) the need for candy will dissipate and I will begin to see the other side of the wrapper. I will begin to envision a life in which I can make it through an entire day without even thinking about candy, let alone eating it. Ah, who am I kidding?? As soon as I have a dollar in my pocket, I'm going back on the Red Vine wagon.

I've also switched to drinking gallons of water, which cuts into my efficiency because I have to pee so goddam much. Since noon I have peed not once, not twice, but six times. Never have I been so acquainted with the writing on the bathroom walls. (You probably didn't need to know that, but hey, you're the one still reading this)

Things are weird around the office today. There's a weird energy. It's not bad, it's just different. Everyone seems to have ants in their pants. (or maybe they've been drinking too much water, too). We're about halfway through putting together June, which I wasn't certain about, but now I am feeling like it will be good. I got Mr. Tommy Gaffney's article over the weekend and couldn't stop giggling. Made my damn day. You'll love it, but you have to wait until June 1st to see why. Tommy Gaffney has to be the best person I met last year. He's good people, he's a damn talented writer and he surrounds himself with some pretty amazing friends. I might love Tommy Gaffney more than I love Red Vines. Maybe.

Oy. Back to the grind. I have about 1000 words to write for June (which will have to wait while I make my seventh trip to the bathroom). Much love to you all!