Back in 1994, while working on a show at Albany Civic Theatre, I met a couple of part-time pirates who would frequently slip into a swaggering piratey vernacular (basically saying “Arrr” a lot and calling each other “bilge rats.”) Years later, while flipping through Maxim magazine, whom should I see but those two scallywags staring back at me. Turns out, they’re still talking like pirates; only now, they have everyone else doing it too. In fact, they’ve managed to turn it into an international holiday (talklikeapirate.com). They have official titles now too—Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy (on the right), otherwise known as John Baur and Mark Summers, respectively. In 2002, they released their first book, Pirattitude, and last year Ol’ Chumbucket and his wife Mad Sally, a.k.a. Tori Baur, appeared on the ABC show Wife Swap. The resounding success of Pirattitude was followed by two more books, A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas and The Pirates Life, the latter of which was released in 2008. With the advent of the Portland Pirate Festival—an event that brought a Guinness World Record-breaking number of would-be pirates to St. Johns Cathedral Park in 2009—it doesn’t look like their swashbuckling days will end anytime soon.
I spoke with them via email just before Ol' Chumbucket was about to pull up anchor and move his family to the Caribbean (seriously!).
HM: By golly heck, there sure are a lot of pirates these days. What’s the deal?
Cap’n: Playing pirate in these modern times allows a person to put his or her foot up on a rum barrel and show some bravado while keeping the other foot firmly planted in the pig poo of self-deprecation. It’s nerd-cool. It’s kind of like saying, “Yes, I am a dangerous person, but my sword is plastic!”
HM: I remember when this “talk like a pirate” thing was just a bunch of guys saying “Arr” all day. How’d it get so big?
Cap’n: We have to credit our close personal friend, Pulitzer Prize winner Dave Barry, for being the big gust of wind that took us to far-flung seas! His original article led to our starting talklikeapirate.com and the shenanigans that went with it! Now we have a book, Pirattitute, that is selling well all over and we hope to have anywhere from one to four new books out by next International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
HM: Do you ever get tired of being a pirate?
Chum: That’s like asking if I get tired of breathing.
HM: Pirates are supposed to have a nasty streak, but you seem like awfully nice guys. Are you sure you’re not secretly just sweet-natured sailors?
Cap’n: I can’t speak for Ol’ Chumbucket, but those who know me well know that I’m a nasty, ruthless horrible man who frightens children and small animals with nothing more than my startling man odor and expressive eyebrow movements.
HM: What exactly is “pirattitude”?
Cap’n: Pirattitude is simply the attitude of a pirate. Anyone can have it—even those prone to sea-sickness on their porch during a slight breeze. It’s a glint in the eye, a swagger in the step and a willingness to redefine all of your scars as “battle wounds.”
HM: Who’s got more pirattitude? Obama or Hillary?
Chum: Hillary. Doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll vote for her, but she definitely has more pirattitude.
HM: Spiderman or Batman?
Chum: Spidey.
Cap’n: Batman—it’s the black!
Chum: Are you insane? Batman has more pirattitude than Spidey??!? No freakin’ way, man! Batman’s all brooding and has this boring inner monologue going, moping about his dead parents. He’s got a damn valet who knows all his deepest inner feelings!! Pirates don’t have deep inner feelings. They have victims! A pirate wouldn’t brood—he’d act out! That’s Spidey all up and down. All sass and web slinging. If he were back in the 18th century, Batman would be a lord or earl or some damn thing, and if he went to sea he’d be an admiral sure as hell. Spidey’s got the whole “friggin’ in the riggin’” thing down. He’d be the pirate, that’s for sure. As for it being “the black,” that just proves my point. Who wears somber, muted clothes when he can sport a loud, colorful, boisterous wardrobe? Stuffy nobelmen. Pirates go for the color. Black clothes? Please, that’s for clergymen, not pirates. Sorry man, but I just can’t agree with you on this one.
HM: Geez, now I want a pirate name. Will you give me one?
Cap’n: I think “Constance Slashington the Terror o’ Tortuga!” suits you!
Chum: Mad McCollum. Yes, I know your last name has no U in it, and has two Os. What part of pirate didn’t you understand?
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